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Colonies announce independence despite experts’ warnings

August 1, 1776

London newspaper article (satire)

In a stunning move, American colonies in July declared independence from Great Britain, claiming they no longer are part of the strongest and wealthiest nation on the planet.

Experts overwhelmingly agreed that the decision is destined for failure, and they warned that the colonies are too small and too weak and unable to take care of themselves.

A group of representatives from the colonies signed the declaration and itemized controversial and disputed grievances against the King George III. Experts claim that the grievances are baseless and that the king has actually been a great provider and protector for the colonies.

“The Colonies are trying to say they have rights apart from the King, but that is not something that has successfully been tried before,” said a University of Oxford professor. “It is impossible for them to govern themselves. They do not understand the basics of governance.”

Several of the representatives live in rural areas far away from educational establishments. The proclaimed general of the militia, George Washington, does not have a college degree and lost crucial battles in the French and Indian War. He also was responsible for the killing of French Canadian military officer Joseph Coulon de Villiers, Sieur de Jumonville.

Despite the provision from the king and Great Britain, the colonies chose to take several steps to show their displeasure. Among the most notable was their deliberate plan to destroy tea from the East India Company.

“We issued a small tax for their good,” said King George III. “And they rejected it completely. We have taken care of the colonies. They are unable to rule themselves and need our steady hand to move forward.”

Experts and university professors say that the colonies will be unable to function without the support of the crown.

University professors and king officials are largely in agreement that monarchy is a tried and true method that has worked throughout history, and attempts to try to self regulate are primitive and destined for failure.

One of the grievances against the King was that he did not allow his governors to pass laws “of immediate and pressing importance,” claiming that the King himself violated the charter. But experts conclude that the King is above any charter or constitution.

“The idea that a document can overrule a monarch has been a popular one off and on in history, but never with much success,” said a University of Oxford professor. “The educated today understand that a monarchy is a tried and true method. Nothing is as good as the benevolent hand of a good king or queen. The masses are simply unable to take care of themselves, and history has shown that their attempts have always fallen flat. I have no doubt the same will be the case in the American colonies. People there are largely uneducated and simply don’t have the resources and understanding that we have in England.”

Other officials of the king and college professors overwhelmingly agree, saying that the uprising among the colonies will be short lived. The King may need to send battalions to stifle the needless rebellion, they say. The colonies have no formal military and just a small, unorganized militia that will be unable to withstand a true military force.

“The colonies will recant within a few months and realize their dependence on the crown and the British kingdom,” a king official said.

Most experts agree.

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